People are sharing their favourite jokes – these 35+ are absolute crackers
If there’s one thing we all need right now, it’s a laugh …and less news – okay, that’s two things. There’s probably nothing we can do about the frenetic news cycle, but thanks to composer and funny man, Nick Harvey, we can all have a laugh.
He recently asked people to do something:
Tell me your favourite ever joke.
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) December 12, 2018
So, they did, and these are just 35 of the many very funny replies.
1.
Two nuns are accosted by a vampire. One says “Quick, show him your cross!” The other nun says “Fuck off vampire!”
— H Anthony Hildebrand (@hahildebrand) December 12, 2018
2.
Who’s the coolest person in the hospital? The ultra sound guy.
Who replaces him when he’s away? The hip replacement guy.— Alex (@crudengold) December 12, 2018
3.
police are looking for man who refuses to update his pdf reader, he is described as mid 30s with dark hair and has no fixed adobe
— joe (@mutablejoe) December 12, 2018
4.
Man went into a doctor’s and said “I think I’m a moth.” Doc replied “I’m a GP, the psychiatrist is in the room next door.” Man says “Yes I know. But your light was on.”
— Elaine Storey (@ShortlandsPR) December 12, 2018
5.
Woodwork teacher: what are you making?
Pupil: it’s a portable, sir
Teacher: a portable what?
Pupil: I don’t know, I’ve only made the handles— Bernard Hughes (@bernardlhughes) December 12, 2018
6.
(Great for the 5-8yo’s)
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Europe
Europe who?
NO YOU’RE A POO!— Baz (@bazlyons) December 12, 2018
7.
Cop stops a naked guy carrying a naked woman on his back.
“What’s all this, then?”
“I’m going to a fancy dress party as a snail”
“Who’s that on your back?”
“That’s Michelle”— Stephen’s Greetings (@ISayPorter) December 12, 2018
8.
My favourite joke was made up by Karen. She had to think of an answer to “What’s green and goes at 90mph?”
Her answer: a peabulance.
It still makes me laugh every time I think of it.
— MꙬse Allain (@MooseAllain) December 12, 2018
9.
I had a job smuggling James Bond DVDs into Russia, I stopped when customs scared the living daylights out of me.
— James Conmy (@TheConmy) December 12, 2018
10.
Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says “can you smell fish?”
— Jamie (@instanceofjamie) December 12, 2018
11.
What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror?
Halloumi
— Caroline Hayes (@cazhayes) December 12, 2018
12.
Helvetica walks into a bar, the barman says, “We don’t serve your type”.
— Col (@Bigshirtlesscol) December 12, 2018
13.
Saw a mate of mine the other day dressed as a mime artist. I thought, “He’s kept that quiet.”
— Carlos, but not the Jackal (@fandang) December 12, 2018
14.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus the other day. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
— Stuart Keenan (@stuartkeenan) December 12, 2018
15.
I went to the doctor today. He said “bad news, I’m afraid.”
I said “tell me straight. How long?”
He said “Ten”.
“Ten what? Years? Months?”
“Nine …
“Eight …
“Seven …”
— 🎄 Just Pengy 🎄 (@ImaginaryPengy) December 12, 2018
16.
My wife’s gone to the West Indies to watch a comedian.
Jimmy Carr?
No Trinidad.— Dave Cohen (@DaveCohencomedy) December 12, 2018
17.
Q. What do you give donkeys for lunch?
A. Half an hour, the same as the camels.— MaB (@CMBeee) December 12, 2018
18.
My old dad taught me to always fight fire with fire.
Which probably explains why he got sacked from the fire brigade.
— Beau (@DrBeauBeaumont) December 12, 2018
